WEIRD HORSE NEWS-A STIFF D …

Do you have those times when you need a little pick-me-up? You see those commercials for energy shots and drinks that “give you wings” for those afternoon slumps, and those sugary beverages seem like just the thing to help you stay wide awake for the rest of the day. But a number of studies have been conducted as to their efficacy and safety with the large amounts of sugar resulting in fast crashes once the sugar high wears off. Not to mention their list of hard-to-pronounce ingredients. What if you could find an energy drink that’s more natural?

Bring in a round of semen for everyone! Yes, you read that correctly … at New Zealand’s famed Hokitika Wildfoods festival this month, shots of stallion semen will be sold as the newest delicacy for those needing a little extra kick.

“Horses are pure testosterone, you know,” Lindsay Kerslake of Christchurch, New Zealand, told The Australian. “(The shots) have hardly any cholesterol, so the idea is you knock it back and feel like a stallion yourself.”

This comment makes me wonder…what is the nutritional content of stallion semen? It’s not like you can take a look on the side of an Equitainer for the Nutrition Facts label like you can a box of Cheerios. Dickson Varner, DVM, MS, Dipl. ACT, professor of large animal medicine and surgery at Texas A&M University and specialist in equine reproduction, had this to say about the drink’s natural claims: “While I do not understand the impulse to imbibe such a potion, I suspect that, if one digs deeply into the matter, surely some beneficial qualities of the drink may surface. Stallion semen does contain an assortment of naturally occurring compounds, including carbohydrates, proteins, and lipids.

“However,” he continues, “I expect that this ‘slurry’ represents an amalgamation of products from the stallion’s internal genital tract, as well as the numerous types of bacteria, and possibly fungi, that reside on the skin of a stallion’s penis.”

The shots will cost $10NZ and served with a chaser, kind of like Red Bull, but called “Powerhouse.” The semen shots will come in flavors from natural to cherry, licorice, and banofee pie. The goal of the different flavors, according to Kerslake, was to make the shots “more user-friendly.”

Ironically, neither Kerslake nor the head of the festival (Mike Keenan) has yet to try the drinks. And they don’t seem to plan to do so.

“God no, it’s definitely not to my taste, but you’ll be shocked how many people will go for it,” Keenan told the newspaper.

There still is no science to prove–or disprove, for that matter–stallion semen’s energy-boosting powers, but the organizers are sure the drinks will be a big hit, along with the wild pig gut kababs with fresh eel slime sauce and wasp larvae ice cream. Or, how about chasing down the bull penis and pig snout dish that claims to strengthen nails with the stallion semen?

“As for me,” Varner says, “well, I’m not going to knock back one of these alluring blends. I’m going to put my lips around a traditional milk shake.”

The possibilities are endless…